posted: February 15, 2002
For several years off and on, I've been seeing pictures of "Bat Boy" on the cover of the Weekly World News, a tabloid rag so low and cheap that it has never made the leap to color printing. If the WWN isn't the paper Weird Al was lampooning, then it should have been.
Bat Boy, I have discovered, is a regular feature in the WWN. They are currently claiming that the "mutant boy" was discovered in a cave in 1992, but I know I've been seeing his picture on the cover since before I graduated college, which was 1990, and possibly before I graduated from High School, which was... well I won't tell ya, 'cause I'm female and I reserve the right to be mysterious about my age.
Anyhow, I figure that Bat Boy must be in his mid to late 20s at the least and probably well into his 30s in fact. Which makes him Bat Man, really. And I can't help but wonder where the wing-eared, shark-toothed mutant hangs out when he's not winging off to Argentina and Afghanistan (as claimed) to work for the US government.
Personally, I figure he's got a boring job somewhere and is just trying to duck all this unwanted fame. Probably he's working in a 7-11 or and gas station with his hat pulled down over his ears. Can't you just see him, making change for a Big Gulp when, suddenly, the customer recognizes him.....
"Hey! You're that Bat Boy!"
"Heheh... No way, man. You must be hallucinating."
"No, no... I'm pretty sure." Peers at the guy under the baseball cap. "Yeah... that's you all right. I can't believe it: I'm buying a Big Gulp from Bat Boy. Man what's a globe-trottin' mutant like you doing working in a 7-11 in Walla-Walla?"
"Hey, man, could you, like, keep your voice down?"
"What's the problem? Are you trying to tell me you're not Bat Boy?"
"No, no... all right, you caught me: I'm Bat Boy. But, y'know that Weekly World News stuff is kind of embarrassing. So, could you, like, keep your voice down?"
"Sure, man. Hey, this is cool, you're, like, incognito or something. Right?"
"Yeah. Umm... See, actually, I'm just trying to do my job, y'know. Gotta pay the bills on the cave and all, and send money to my mom in the nursing home and that sort of stuff."
"Man, this rocks. This is so cool. I gotta tell my friends I met Bat Boy at the 7-11...."
"Oh, no... hey, tell ya what, dude, free Big Gulps for a year if you just keep your mouth shut, OK?"
But, really, what is Bat Boy doing in the off-season? Does he work for a pro baseball team? Maybe he really does run around the world doing secret missions for the government. Maybe he will be the next President of Argentina. Maybe he is the real power behind the International Skating Association's investigation of corruption in judging the Olympics. You have to admit, anyone who could live in a cave for the first ten years of their life and then vault onto the international stage the way Bat Boy has, must be a clever and wily fellow. He could be the secret mover and shaker in any number of international issues. He might even have been the originator of the European Economic Community because, I have noted that there wasn't any real movement to make the thing happen until after Bat Boy's first appearance in the WWN, after which, things got moving pretty quickly.
Yeah... I suspect that Bat Boy is the real power in international politics. Quite likely he's big-time buddies with all those power brokers, probably has dinner with Bill Gates and the Bushes regularly, drops in for a cocktail with Greenspan, things like that.
It seems that power must be going to his head, though: he used to wear a sheet, now he wears a suit and tie.
Where is the end for Bat Boy...?
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